Hungry?

                  

Well today i was preparing for creating the prayer room at my church. i came across some things that have broken my heart.

Every year 15 MILLION children die of hunger. 

Every 3.6 seconds someone dies of hunger

for the price of one missile you could buy lunch for a school of starving children for 5 YEARS!

At this point i am disappointed. i feel as though this may be the only word to describe the thoughts going on in my head. to think even that i get food when ever i want. i don't have to be hungry at the point of starvation. to think that restaurants all around us throw away a quarter of there food EVERYDAY. 

I am disappointed in the countries that are not working to make a difference. i am mad that instead of supporting this beautiful world we live in, we are destroying it with war and poverty. and instead of making peace and saving lives we are fighting each other and loosing lives. we are buying weapons instead of food for the hungry.

What is this world we have created. God made this amazing place and we have all been so selfish. We have made this a place of fear and loneliness and death and sadness. 

I am praying one day we will all snap out of it. Get it together.

I am praying one day i can be proud of the country and world that i live in. 

my apologies everyone. i just blew up for no reason. im sure this all probably makes me sound crazy. but there was no need for what i posted.

Grrr...

Well i guess all there is to say is i am so done with trying my hardest to do whats right and  getting in trouble for it. i am so frustrated with things right now. wondering when things are going to actually work out for my benefit. i know that sounds selfish but i work so hard to fix things, to protect people, to keep friendships. i cant do it ANYMORE!

Maybe i should be somewhere else. maybe i am running away from my problems, but if things don't get fixed then its going to be too hard to stay here.

maybe portland is calling me back.

hmmm...

Well, first let me just say that i do not know how to be all clever while writing these post nor am i going to be all fancy shmancy. i am just going to write about whatever is on my mind.

Today i woke up thinking about Railton. Its the one school i actually have motivation to go to. I went to check it out two weeks ago and loved every second of it. well almost. i am really having a hard time facing the fact that if i go there i am moving out of Maine to a state where i cant just have someone come pick me up. i will have to have my license to go and thats just another issue that i have to overcome. another fear i guess. i have convinced myself that i wont pass my test and that i am a bad driver. so as a result i don't want to take my test. but anyways back to Railton, i love the school and i know i should go, i am just scared.

As for other stuff going on in my life, i had a break down the other day. It seems as though lately no matter how hard i try to satisfy other people or work hard and show people i am ready to go big. to step up. people just DON'T get it. i put my all into everything i do but i just waist my energy most of the time. i know i will never get the guy i want or the friendships i want no matter how hard i try. there is always something standing in the way which doesn't make sense because it all seems like it may work out but then it never does. I try to be the best friend someone could have but i am always put last. i try to show myself to people and get them to believe me that i am ready for anything. i am strong, but someone is always better. i try to put myself and emotions out there to the guy i am head over heels for and i get shot down. i am always good enough to flirt with and to act like we are dating but never good enough to actually date. i don't really know whats wrong with me but hopefully people will see that i am a good person who puts 100% into everything i do.

i know this is all probably silly stuff that maybe i shouldn't worry about, but this is stuff i think about all the time. i am only blogging because i have to get it off my chest. maybe someone can  relate to me one day while reading something and maybe we can solve a problem together. i pray about this stuff everyday, my prayers seem to be getting longer and longer as it becomes a bigger and bigger problem. I know God will rescue me and i know he is going to use all of this stuff in my life down the road, right now though,  it just stinks.

First About Me:

All my years growing up I was teased by my brother because he had a father and I didn’t.

I have 3 siblings. 2 of them I just met around my 18th birthday.

I have struggled with depression but I am too prideful to ask for help.

Because of the pain of keeping all of this a secret I have gone through years and years of  therapy for anxiety, eating disorders, OCD, and depression.

I don’t think I will ever have a counselor long enough to tell them all of this.

I don’t think I will ever get into any school because I know I am not smart enough

I fear everyday losing my friendship with anyone.

I have lost most of my self worth.

I feel like I have disappointed God.

At this point I have never felt more alone.

I really have a hard time facing the fact that I can never be good enough.

Instead of retreating back to an eating disorder I have turned into someone who must have control.

I know one day it will come back to haunt me.

I am trying everyday to devote my life to Christ but it just gets harder and harder since Satan is working over time.

I have only 3 Best Friends. And even though I am 19 I don’t think I am too old for that, because they all mean the world to me.

I love photography because it helps me remember the beauty of the world around us that we just pass every day.

Painting is another outlet for me. Even though I am just learning about it I enjoy every second with a brush in hand.

I have helped bring over  100 children to Christ

Out of everything in my life I feel that is the thing to be the most proud of.

I put in 100% even when I know I will never get that back.

I hate not knowing where my life is actually going to go.