Well, first let me just say that i do not know how to be all clever while writing these post nor am i going to be all fancy shmancy. i am just going to write about whatever is on my mind.
Today i woke up thinking about Railton. Its the one school i actually have motivation to go to. I went to check it out two weeks ago and loved every second of it. well almost. i am really having a hard time facing the fact that if i go there i am moving out of Maine to a state where i cant just have someone come pick me up. i will have to have my license to go and thats just another issue that i have to overcome. another fear i guess. i have convinced myself that i wont pass my test and that i am a bad driver. so as a result i don't want to take my test. but anyways back to Railton, i love the school and i know i should go, i am just scared.
As for other stuff going on in my life, i had a break down the other day. It seems as though lately no matter how hard i try to satisfy other people or work hard and show people i am ready to go big. to step up. people just DON'T get it. i put my all into everything i do but i just waist my energy most of the time. i know i will never get the guy i want or the friendships i want no matter how hard i try. there is always something standing in the way which doesn't make sense because it all seems like it may work out but then it never does. I try to be the best friend someone could have but i am always put last. i try to show myself to people and get them to believe me that i am ready for anything. i am strong, but someone is always better. i try to put myself and emotions out there to the guy i am head over heels for and i get shot down. i am always good enough to flirt with and to act like we are dating but never good enough to actually date. i don't really know whats wrong with me but hopefully people will see that i am a good person who puts 100% into everything i do.
i know this is all probably silly stuff that maybe i shouldn't worry about, but this is stuff i think about all the time. i am only blogging because i have to get it off my chest. maybe someone can relate to me one day while reading something and maybe we can solve a problem together. i pray about this stuff everyday, my prayers seem to be getting longer and longer as it becomes a bigger and bigger problem. I know God will rescue me and i know he is going to use all of this stuff in my life down the road, right now though, it just stinks.
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