Its the Most Wonderful Time of the Year :)

Wow I haven't posted on here in about a month! A lot has happened in this month, so let me just give you a recap of whats been happening.

On November 21st MY BEST FRIEND surprised me at school. She is New Zealand. If you want to see my reaction check it out on facebook. there was a lot of screaming and crying. She is here until the end of January. I am beyond blessed to have her here. AND she has been staying in NH like 40 minutes away from me so i see her at church and all through the week. It has been so very awesome and even if it was only one day i got to hang out with her i would be ecstatic. but its been more so you can imagine my excitement!

On November 23rd I left for thanksgiving and my internship. That day i had a 3 hour lay over in Boston and had the opportunity to reach out to a older woman. It was such a great moment.

November 24th was thanksgiving! It was so great to be with my family. I am so glad i can be the one they look to, to say the thanksgiving blessing every year. :) Its a blessing to me to be in that position. I also actually sat down and had a great conversation with my mom and aunt.

I went to my internship on the 26th i believe. It has been great. i have been able to do many things in the corps. From counting kettles to running the Christmas Castle. I have had opportunities to chat with people coming into the food pantry. It has been a blessing to be here and grow in my own strength. Now don't get me wrong there have been some not so great moments since being here. Especially since it is kettle season. There is a lot of stress and not enough sleep. But it has still been great.

On November 12th i had a great opportunity to reach out to some people at the laundry mat and tell them a bit about The Salvation Army. I am praying for those two people and i would ask that when you have times like that you do the same. I don't know anything really about there lives but God has really laid it on my heart to pray for them.

On November 15th I was having a really tough day thinking about Justin and things i will be facing when i go home, and my BFF came and stayed over so she could be there for me. I suppose the great thing about all of that was that even if she wasnt here i know i could count on her to be there somehow for me. We got to spend an extra unexpected night together and i felt so blessed. we were able to pray down at the beach last night and really just go to God together with our trials and troubles. What a blessing, eh?


I suppose that is about it thus far. I am looking forward to going home and spending time with friends and family this Christmas season. I know i will be blessed and i am very much looking forward to all of the things that will happen.

I hope all of you reading this have a marvelous Christmas and New Years! I will post again when i get back to school in January. Blessing on all of you!

Leaf Fight!!

Ok so this is the second time i am writing this. The last time toward the end i decided to take a different approach.

Today was a great day. Around 4pm the kids at the SFOT got home and were in their afterschool program. I decided when my class got over that i wanted to have a leaf fight. Since there are about a zillion leaves outside right now, and it was beautiful weather today! So anyway, I gathered up a few of the 3rd 4th and 5th graders and we went outside. From the second I stepped out the door my heart was filled with joy. I could see a huge grin across all of the kids faces. I was so happy to see them like that. So we soon gathered as many leaves as possible into a huge pile. They were jumping around in it and slowly more and more children showed up. now i dont want you to think we had like 20 kids out there we only had like 6 but it was so great! We then started throwing the leaves all over the place. I felt like i was 7 again. I was having so much fun... THROWING LEAVES!

So you are probably wondering why i thought it was important to post this story... well i didnt know at first but i have been thinking about it all day and have come up with this:

I have been thinking to myself how many times do i get this excited to spend time with GOD?! God, the one who created me, the one who forgives me, the one who loves me UNCONDITIONALLY...

The joy that filled my heart today as well as the hearts of the kids i was playing with, its something that we didnt have to try to get. We just had fun and let the situation ingulf us. How many times though do we have fun with God or enjoy God and let Him ingulf us? The joy i was feeling outside is nothing compared to the joy that Christ offers to me everyday! I am hoping and praying that i can get to a point where even thinking about spending a second with the Lord gives me a huge grin across my face and causes my heart to be filled with so much joy and excitement that i cant even contain it. What about you? How much joy have you been allowing from God?

:)

Well tonight i have had some time to reflect on things. My blog really is a reflection of the day. TODAY WAS FANTASTIC. I really enjoy everything we do here. Today we had a photo shoot... the picture above is just me going a little over the top with picnik :P But yeah so anyways. I feel so blessed being here at Railton. I am growing more and more everyday and I see Gods work more present everyday. He is just on a roll of pouring out His grace on my life. I have been struggling as you may know with not really having friends here but since i was ready to admit it to myself and God and i have been dilegent in prayer about it God has provided people for me to hang out with and get to know. I sometimes get so wrapped up in my world i forget about the things that are right in front of me. The people here at school are the people God knew I would need while i am here. They are all wonderful and supportive. I am so thankful that I have a relationship with a LOVING and FAITHFUL God. :) It makes my heart happy.

ANYWAYS:
i am feeling very blessed.
O and if you are wondering i am going to HAMPTON, NH for my winter internship :)
I am super excited to see what the Lord has in store for me!

Defeated

For some reason today has been horrible.

I am feeling defeated beyong what i ever thought imaginable

I feel like i should be somewhere else

I just feel like screaming or crying or something

Praying to make friends or at least some connection soon.

Praying i can speak up boldly

Praying for comfort.

Be That Change

Tonight I made this poster because i have only been able to think about this quote for about 36 hours. It is constantly running through my mind. and i am seeing it everywhere. I remember the first time i ever saw it in my life. My junior year of high school i was sitting in my English class.... not paying attention... as always, and i saw this magnet on one of my teachers filing cabinets. For the rest of that class all i could think about were all of the crazy ideas i had on changing the world. I looked at that magnet everyday for about 4 and 1/2 months. I changed completely how i started looking at the world around me.

This year when i arrived at Railton i was walking through the hallway to get to the elevator and i was looking at all of the pictures and quotes on the wall. This quote by Gandhi happens to be in a place i pass everyday. Its amazing to me how those things work out.

This weekend I went to an young adult retreat in Pennsylvania. The whole week end focused on a verse in Micah that says to act justly and to love mercy

and to walk humbly with your God. I think this verse so completely goes with the words that Gandhi spoke. The only way we will be able to make a change is if we are applying these 3 guidelines. I heard so many amazing stories this weekend about young people doing crazy awesome things. I heard of organizations making a huge difference I saw with my own eyes God showing the young people where he wanted them and what he wanted them to be doing. Calling out to them and providing opportunities to make a difference. I have a lot to think and pray about this week... and longer. I know God is calling me to do something that will change the world. Just asking Him what it is. I know it will be great.

What is God calling you to do? Has he placed a burning passion on your heart and you have been too afraid to take action? Please don't back down, God is right there waiting for you to step out and trust Him.

YOU CAN BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE IN THE WORLD!

The Desert Song- Hillsong

A friend reminded me today of this song. Its one of my favorites. And i see it very much the cry of my heart at this moment. Thanks Sarah!


Verse 1:
This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides

Verse 2:
And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

Chorus:
And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

Verse 3:
And this is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

Bridge:
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

Verse 4:
This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've recieved I will sow

Missing my friends...

Tonight is going a little different then I expected. I spent most of it watching movies and messing around on facebook. Until about 5 minutes ago. I went on my friends profile and looked at this one photo that she made up for me this past year. You should know a little about our friendship...

We met at camp 4 summers ago. She is from New Zealand. In 2008 i knew we would be friends forever. God truely blessed me that summer with a great friend i knew i could count on to be there for me. When we left camp that summer i was really having a hard time with the fact that i wasnt going to see her again. But we stayed in contact as best we could. The next year she came back to the US and made it to my graduation and then came back to camp! I was so incredibly excited. We got to have 2 great summers together. Saying good bye that summer was even harder.  I havent seen since then except for skype. It doesnt normally bother me. We talk more then i talk to most of my friends here in the states. For some reason tonight it is bothering me. I have felt kind of alone being here at school away from everyone from home. Now i am always away from Amy but its different now. It has been 2 years since we could hang out together. She is my closest friend and lives on the other side of the world. I guess i just dont get it. I guess it has always been on my mind, how can i make friends on the other side of the world and but have the personality that friendship usually means being close to someone? I often ask God why Amy lives so far. I thank Him often for our friendship and other days I find myself angry that we are so far apart.  This may all sound weird to who ever is reading this... and i am sorry if it is but this is my blog about whats in my mind. Right now my mind and my heart is hurting.
I dont want this sound like i mop around all day crying about being far from my friend, and i dont want to sound pathetic either But in all honesty i am lonely. I find myself day after day spending the evenings hoping that someone will text me or chat with me on facebook or even stop by my place. Its hard being away. Now i also dont want you to think i am not enjoying my time here at school, I am. So much. and the people here are great. as you have probably read in my other posts. But its not the same. I miss my friends. I miss my family.

Jesus, be my center

Today I took part in a half night of prayer.... I didnt pray for half the night but i did pray for a solid hour. I dont think I have ever prayed that long. I dont think I have ever felt God more present in my life then I did tonight. He revealed to me so many things in my heart that have been holding me back from a solid firm relationship with Him. There are so many thing I have let take over my life and shape and define who I am. I want to be defined in Christ. I want Him to be enough for me. I dont want the things of this world festering around in my mind any more. I know that when the world is telling me one thing God is on the other side telling me not to listen. He is calling out my name for me to turn my ears to Him. This past week I have really had some big struggles in myself. I have been angry a lot and i have felt alone and stupid. Over and over I let it take control of my days. Over and over it shaped my attitude. OVER AND OVER I let satan take hold of my mind. Tonight I surrendered those things. TONIGHT God changed my mind. I know my anger is a sin, and that if I continue to let it define me i will not be able to let it go. I know that I am not alone. I know that Christ is right by my side. I know that I am not stupid. I know that I find wisdom in the Lord.

I am so thankful for the work that God is doing in me. I am thankful that I can write about it here for you to read. I am thankful that I have a God that is so much BIGGER then any of my problems.

"We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love." Romans 5:3-5

Gx3 Gods Grace Gifts

1 Corinthians 1:3 says this
"May God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ give you grace and peace."

For the past week in my spiritual formation class we have been talking about God's grace. There are so many times that I find myself forgetting the things that God has placed right in front of me. I wrote a list this week to challenge myself to see those gifts. I have been so blessed in my life. This past year alone has been incredible. i wanted to share with you all just a few of God's Grace Gifts that I have recieved in this past year.

I lived in a home that loved the Lord. Living with the Crowells was a huge change for me. The love and grace and compassion that was poured out on my life through them was overwhelming. The family welcomed me in with open arms. I grew more living there then I believe I ever have. Now that being said it was only through God's grace that he made that possible. I couldnt be more thankful to all of the new family i now have because of that move. Their acceptance for a broken young adult is humbling. Their love for a child not their own is eye opening and exactly what Christ spoke about so many times while talking about helping the poor and the weak and the broken, when you are doing that you are serving the Lord. What Christ like examples this family has been to me.

Another BIG grace gift has been coming to Railton. There were a few times in the year when i doubted that I was going to get in and then even when I knew I got in I was doubting God's will for me being here. God has shown me so many things. Now that I am here there is not a doubt in my mind that this is where I am supposed to be. I feel as though I could talk about this place forever. The community is a huge part of my assurance. I was so angry this summer with God. I thought that he was taking me out of this Godly household that i had been living in and putting me into an unknown horrible scary environment. BUT I WAS SOOOOO WRONG. God knew exactly what he was doing, and i really let satan take a strong hold on my thoughts. I was scared i was going to get here and be a loser and an outcast. Now granted there is only 2 students here right now but that si really how God provided for me. I cant be the outcast. Mel and I are on equal grounds. Everyone here is so great and such a good example to me. I dont think i could be in a place with better leaders then what I have here. Steve and Sharon and Allison are amazing. Maybe i put them kind of on this pedistal but in honesty I do it in awe. I see God's grace and love shining through every bit of them. I have been so incredibly humbled being here.

Now though I have only listen two in depth I could list to you thousands if I had the space. Everyday I find my self realizing more and more that God's grace is enough for me. I want to list a few other things and i wont go in depth but i just want to get your minds going...

Family
Peace
Love
FORGIVINESS
Beautiful weather
God's patients
Good friends
Support

I want to challenge you blog readers, make your own list of God's Grace Gifts. But dont just make it and put it aside. meditate on it. Thank God for those things. Praise Him for his blessings he pours on YOUR life everyday! send me a comment or a message on facebook or an email with something that has been a blessing to you. A grace gift from God. I challenge you if you have facebook to post your status as a grace gift you have recieved and then challenge your friends to do the same. Let the gifts from God that others have recieved be a God Grace Gift for you!

When I am weak...

I wanted to post this picture as a reminder to myself for when I am feeling weak. It this point in my week I am tired and weak. Satan is working overtime to get at me. Trying to remember that Christ will give me all of the strength I need. Please be praying for me. Dealing with things hasn't gotten any easier. I am getting worn out fast and honestly I am beyond emotionally drained.  

Justin

Some of you that read this will know what I am blogging about this time and some will have no idea. His name is Justin. He's my age. We went to school together... we dated freshman year. He is a great guy. I've seen him around at the mall and such since school has ended. I requested to be his friend on facebook Monday night. We were friends but we have really grown apart. Just Monday night I found out I will not get a response to that request. Justin gone. I will never see him again. I will never have a chance to reach out to him. I will never know why he was so unhappy with his life... and how he was so good at hiding it. Its unreal to me. I didn't think i would ever have to go through this again. Don't get me wrong this isn't about me and how sad I am but it just breaks my heart that Justin felt like there was no other way out. I don't know what its going to be like going back home and wondering the mall knowing that he isn't working at some food shop. I don't know what I will do when I get home and realize that this isn't all a joke or a dream. I don't know what I will do when I get home and I see the pain and mourning in my friends eyes. A hole in their hearts. No even through all of this I feel peace. It doesn't make any sense to me other then i know God is with me. I know that he has something bigger coming out of this. When I chatted with Sharon Monday night I felt ok. I felt like I could get it all out. I felt like maybe this wasn't even real. I felt angry at first, then I felt guilt. Isn't it our job to reach out to the lost? Doesn't Christ call me to reach my friends and at least tell them that there is someone who loves them and wont ever leave them? I wish I had taken even a second to tell Justin that there is something bigger for him, That even when the world seemed to have shut him out in the moment that God was right beside him. This was all just another wake up call for me. I only have my life... which could be over anytime... to reach my friends and family with the love of Christ. I have taken this all for granted. I have just assumed I have all the time in the world. I don't. neither do you. Get up. tell someone. Don't hold it in anymore. IT COULD SAVE SOMEONES LIFE.

I love you Justin.
I will miss you forever.

Praise

I found myself in my room by myself yesterday listening and singing along with some worship music. My favorite song came on and i found myself in a place of worship. just sitting in my chair hands in the air singing this song out to my creator. This is just one of the many things changing in me.

Be encouraged, your prayers got me here. You examples on my life have shaped me,  God placed you in my life for a reason. Thank you. All of you. I will be forever grateful for every little and big thing you have ever done for me.

if you want to know what song i was refering to its called
The Desert Song- Hillsong.
check it out, its wonderful.

Life Renewed

I dont even really know where to start it has been so long since i posted.
I suppose i will start where I left off... Camp.
Camp wasnt what i was expecting. It wasnt the big life changing totally awesome summer that i had hoped for. The begining to be completely honest was horrible. I didnt understand why i was there and i couldnt understand why i wasn't doing something a bit more useful with my summer. Then i realized what was wrong. I was so angry with God for changing everything around me. I knew i was going to school and nothing was changing that but i was scared and angry that God was taking me out of this safe place and putting me into the unknown.  I chatted with a wonderful person that night and finally realized it all. My summer then changed. I started to see that i was making a difference at camp, and that i did belong there. I solidified some awesome friendships this summer which couldnt make me more happy. But most importantly i learned how to trust that God has a big plan for me in everything i do.

Now i am here at school. Now i wont lie and say im not nervous still. Because i definitely am, i am scared that i am not going to do well. I scared that i am going to try to rely on my own strength and forget about God... Though at this point it seems about impossible to do that. Satan is trying to wheel himself into this Holy ground and i am going to fight him and i will win cause i have Christ on my side.
This place is like nothing i have ever been in before. Talking about Christ is the norm in every conversation. Finding Him in every circumstance is so easy, and so natural. The leaders of this program might be the most Godly people i have ever met. When i am even near them i feel Gods presence. He is doing great things through them and i am excited to see what God has planned for me to learn through them. I know i will be changed leaving this place. i see it happening already. BIG things are happening for me.
Im finally excited for what comes next!

ummm.

I GOT IN! for those of you who follow!

i will now be taking this next year to examine what it means and what it takes to be a youth worker :) looking forward to this wonderful experience.

i also leave for camp tomorrow morning. excited to start my journey there as well. :)

i will post as much as i can while gone this summer.

Im Okay.

Its hard to believe that less then a week ago i was in my first car accident. I haven't had to face it much because its just been me in the house for the most part. Now its not and its hitting me... hard. I know i really could of gotten hurt in the accident. The car is totaled and there is nothing that anyone can do. I am feeling more remorse then anything. i know it wasn't my fault but there is still a side of me that just wants to go back in time and be 5 minutes late or just a minute earlier  I am seeing the pain around the house. I saw the pictures last night and all i have been thinking of is the second right before it happened when i knew it was going to happen and there was nothing i could do but scream. the screaming is just playing over and over in my head. like a broken record. it scares me to think of what could of happened if i was going just a little bit faster. the pain i have physically at this point is not even close to the emotional build up i have inside, i will be okay. All i can think about is how i am alive and well. God saved me, in the moment after it happened i was crying out but in thanks that i was alive. of course it didn't sound like it because i was screaming but it was such a bitter sweet moment. i was alive and hunter was alive and the other car was fine and the other people were perfectly fine. it could of been so much worse.

i guess what i would ask from you is tat you would pray for me,
you would pray for CB and Gary and all the stuff going on with the car
and you would pray for the other driver

Waiting!

Alright here is whats up:

The Railton Committee met today.
This means i am currently awaiting for the answer on my case.

THIS MEANS I NEED YOU PRAYING FOR ME!

Pray i dont doubt this all
Pray i am staying on the path Christ has clearly set out for me
Pray i am not side tracked by stuff that satan is throwing my way
Pray i can continue to have a peace about all of this.

Couldn't do this without your prayers and love! so thanks!

Baby Parker John

Please Pray For Her

PRAY.

okay people heres the deal. i need your prayer!

i am really struggling with a lot of decisions

mostly with Railton.

even more with friends.

and even more with trusting God.

PLEASE PRAY FOR ME!!!!

YOU ARE LOVED!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I-G8IfjPAII

Tears of Joy :')

tonight is a good night.
tonight there is hope.
tonight i can smile.

tonight i am blogging in JOY.
God is GOOD.
He is saving souls everyday
He is saving lives everyday

He has rescued my friend from sorrow.
He has brought her out of anguish

He is the HEALER
HE IS AWE-SOME.

When i hear even a glimpse of His mighty works i shutter

when i heard her say...
"i am so much stronger then i was last summer"
"Christ is sovereign and has a plan for all of this."

tears come to my eyes.
Christ will bring us out.
no matter how deep we are and how far we are from Him
HE WILL REDEEM US.

This gives me HOPE.
for my future
for my now
for this second.

... no clever title for this...

today i am in a mood. i am not really sure what it is but it creeps up on me quite often recently. i feel like it may be lonliness.. i feel like there is only so much i can do to keep my friendships alive. its not a 20/80 friendship... for anyone. i am hurt and feeling more and more like i am losing my friends. i know going to college will put an end on most of them. i dont think i am ready for that... but at this rate it wont be much different from the way they are now.

where to start...

i don't really know where to start except for i am having a horrible night. i haven't stopped crying for a good hour... but i guess thats just cause i am not good at pulling myself together tonight. Maybe this will help.
First off i am really missing my friends tonight. especially ames. i feel like it has been too long and i am starting to forget  the time we had together. How can i forget about my best friend? :'( i hate it. and i lied this just makes me cry more... but i thought you all should know what is going on in life right now.

second. i have been thinking a lot about railton and about being at the salvation army. i love everything about Railton except for the distance. i dont want to be that far away. i am already far enough away from people that we dont see each other. i am afraid if i move they will just push me to the back of their minds and forget about me. it scares me to death. :'(

also i miss eastpointe. i miss the challenge, the fellowship, the people, everything about it.

i am still feeling stuck things aren't changing and i am staying the same.

please pray for me if you are reading this.

... not ok.

im feeling stuck today.

trying to think of the blessings
they are being killed by the hard things.

What a Crayon Perhaps Hears...

Well this was the title of a 9th grade poem i wrote.
but today its some of my thoughts.

i wonder as i sit next to the kids in Sunday school and color a picture with these old peeling crayons, what they have heard for so long.
Children laughing and crying.
maybe they felt the anger when some young child needed to draw a picture to get out how hurt they were...
i wonder if while i sit at home with my new crayons if they hear each tear as if it was a tidal wave when it hits the paper that i find myself coloring to try to get close to expressing my emotions.
i wonder if it feels the amazement of a child when they first pick up a crayon and realize the power of wax and art.
 i wonder if it hears the inspirations that artist get by the way the crayon is being pressed against the paper.
i cant help but wonder what it would be like to put that kind of color into the world. that kind of joy and that kind of release.
things would be different.
i would bring happiness to the lives around me.

but i would want to be some exotic beautiful color that people searched and searched for because i was only in one box. that box would belong to a child. i would be there to hear them laugh and cry and maybe one day with there parents they would mend me into another color melting me with some old crayons and some new beautiful crayons. and we crayons would share our memories of this child and we would all grow old together and then the crayon would be passed down. and we would relive each memory over and over like our life never ended, it would start new with each new owner. oh that would be the life. but i am human of course and now i sit here and wonder how can i bring joy and happiness to people of the world?
can i be that ongoing emotional warrior... taking away the pain of people who are hurting around me and celebrating with them when they are happy?

 i will continue to ponder these thoughts for a while... i think Railton would be a good start to being a crayon and make a difference.

The Ultimate Boss

this is from my journal back senior year. but again thought i would share it with you:


Finally a spiritual connection. My mind can't stop thinking of him. The love of my life, my best friend, my savior, the creator and ultimate counselor. The bond of life between us is unimaginable. And why? Because He is in control, so everything will be ok. Now a new bond will be shared. Thr time has come for me to step out of this teenage bubble and look at this new world. A world in need of Christ. A world longing for Him. With people like me, ready to go and serve, to go out and make peoples lives and their salvation the main focus of our own lives. As God prepares my heart to live and work for Him I shudder, but not with fear, with anticipation. I get to work for the ultimate boss!

Man

I posted this on Facebook a while ago but i thought i would post it on here. :)


I sit around waiting for something to happen. 


Waiting for the man God has in line for me to just fall out of the sky. I don't know why this subject over powers my thoughts and dreams. But I am just so anxious to see who God has made to marry me! All of his works are amazing and I can't help but think how God made some guy who is just perfect for me. 


I'm his juliet, his other half.. I'm his Eve. I long for the day I meet my Adam.


Its hard for me to imagine any one less then Gods standards marrying me. 


He has this huge plan for me. Just for me. At some point my plan and some mans plan are going to become one plan.

And for now I am so happy until that man comes along and God tells us its time, I have the ultimate husband, the ultimate friend, the lover of my soul. An everlasting unconditional love. 

3 letters down...37 to go.

Well last night i had some catching up to do on my letters since i started late. i have to say this is just wonderful and eye opening. each one of these people have had a big role in shaping me into who i am today. i am enjoying thinking and praying for each one of them. Remembering the times in which i can say was a big moment of change because of them. I am enjoying that God has brought each one of these people to mind so that i can reflect on our relationships. this post isn't going to be long cause i don't have to much to say. but i want you to know i have been challenged from this already to be more thankful for all i have.

and to update you all on other news. this lent i am going to be wearing only one pair of shoes. i will be wearing them everyday for everything. to remember and pray for the countries struggling with poverty and the children and parents that hardly have anything to wear on the back let alone there feet. so even when i have to duct tape my shoes i want to have even a slight glimpse of what it would be like to be in their shoes.

Entering the Season of Lent

Well i am a little late on starting this whole thing but i have finally decided what i am giving up, or i guess taking on for lent. i will be sacrificing time on Facebook to take time to be thankful for the forty most influential people in my life.  i will be hand writing letters to each one of them. I have had a wonderful and large group of people that have surrounded me at different points in my life. I am taking this time to reflect on my blessings and sacrifice the distractions of others on Facebook, and i am going to be just focusing on thanksgiving for them and there life and praising God for his great works and all of the amazing people he has placed in my life. I will be blogging about this journey and as you read this you should think of the people you are thankful for. send them a letter or and email or a phone call or text message. It will make their day.

Hungry?

                  

Well today i was preparing for creating the prayer room at my church. i came across some things that have broken my heart.

Every year 15 MILLION children die of hunger. 

Every 3.6 seconds someone dies of hunger

for the price of one missile you could buy lunch for a school of starving children for 5 YEARS!

At this point i am disappointed. i feel as though this may be the only word to describe the thoughts going on in my head. to think even that i get food when ever i want. i don't have to be hungry at the point of starvation. to think that restaurants all around us throw away a quarter of there food EVERYDAY. 

I am disappointed in the countries that are not working to make a difference. i am mad that instead of supporting this beautiful world we live in, we are destroying it with war and poverty. and instead of making peace and saving lives we are fighting each other and loosing lives. we are buying weapons instead of food for the hungry.

What is this world we have created. God made this amazing place and we have all been so selfish. We have made this a place of fear and loneliness and death and sadness. 

I am praying one day we will all snap out of it. Get it together.

I am praying one day i can be proud of the country and world that i live in. 

my apologies everyone. i just blew up for no reason. im sure this all probably makes me sound crazy. but there was no need for what i posted.

Grrr...

Well i guess all there is to say is i am so done with trying my hardest to do whats right and  getting in trouble for it. i am so frustrated with things right now. wondering when things are going to actually work out for my benefit. i know that sounds selfish but i work so hard to fix things, to protect people, to keep friendships. i cant do it ANYMORE!

Maybe i should be somewhere else. maybe i am running away from my problems, but if things don't get fixed then its going to be too hard to stay here.

maybe portland is calling me back.

hmmm...

Well, first let me just say that i do not know how to be all clever while writing these post nor am i going to be all fancy shmancy. i am just going to write about whatever is on my mind.

Today i woke up thinking about Railton. Its the one school i actually have motivation to go to. I went to check it out two weeks ago and loved every second of it. well almost. i am really having a hard time facing the fact that if i go there i am moving out of Maine to a state where i cant just have someone come pick me up. i will have to have my license to go and thats just another issue that i have to overcome. another fear i guess. i have convinced myself that i wont pass my test and that i am a bad driver. so as a result i don't want to take my test. but anyways back to Railton, i love the school and i know i should go, i am just scared.

As for other stuff going on in my life, i had a break down the other day. It seems as though lately no matter how hard i try to satisfy other people or work hard and show people i am ready to go big. to step up. people just DON'T get it. i put my all into everything i do but i just waist my energy most of the time. i know i will never get the guy i want or the friendships i want no matter how hard i try. there is always something standing in the way which doesn't make sense because it all seems like it may work out but then it never does. I try to be the best friend someone could have but i am always put last. i try to show myself to people and get them to believe me that i am ready for anything. i am strong, but someone is always better. i try to put myself and emotions out there to the guy i am head over heels for and i get shot down. i am always good enough to flirt with and to act like we are dating but never good enough to actually date. i don't really know whats wrong with me but hopefully people will see that i am a good person who puts 100% into everything i do.

i know this is all probably silly stuff that maybe i shouldn't worry about, but this is stuff i think about all the time. i am only blogging because i have to get it off my chest. maybe someone can  relate to me one day while reading something and maybe we can solve a problem together. i pray about this stuff everyday, my prayers seem to be getting longer and longer as it becomes a bigger and bigger problem. I know God will rescue me and i know he is going to use all of this stuff in my life down the road, right now though,  it just stinks.

First About Me:

All my years growing up I was teased by my brother because he had a father and I didn’t.

I have 3 siblings. 2 of them I just met around my 18th birthday.

I have struggled with depression but I am too prideful to ask for help.

Because of the pain of keeping all of this a secret I have gone through years and years of  therapy for anxiety, eating disorders, OCD, and depression.

I don’t think I will ever have a counselor long enough to tell them all of this.

I don’t think I will ever get into any school because I know I am not smart enough

I fear everyday losing my friendship with anyone.

I have lost most of my self worth.

I feel like I have disappointed God.

At this point I have never felt more alone.

I really have a hard time facing the fact that I can never be good enough.

Instead of retreating back to an eating disorder I have turned into someone who must have control.

I know one day it will come back to haunt me.

I am trying everyday to devote my life to Christ but it just gets harder and harder since Satan is working over time.

I have only 3 Best Friends. And even though I am 19 I don’t think I am too old for that, because they all mean the world to me.

I love photography because it helps me remember the beauty of the world around us that we just pass every day.

Painting is another outlet for me. Even though I am just learning about it I enjoy every second with a brush in hand.

I have helped bring over  100 children to Christ

Out of everything in my life I feel that is the thing to be the most proud of.

I put in 100% even when I know I will never get that back.

I hate not knowing where my life is actually going to go.